Entitlement in Children and Why Parents Need to Address Their Own Wounded Inner Child First

I've been seeing a lot of articles and posts about children being "entitled" and youth acting as if they are "entitled" to do and have anything they want. What concerned me most was that parents actually felt obligated to contribute to this nonsense.

From early sex, make-up, piercings and tattoos. Money, video games, cell phones, gadgets. Inappropriate and exorbitant amounts of toys from a very young age.  Whatever food they wanted - making 5 different meals or stopping at a "fast food joint to get them fries and nuggets cuz that's all they'll eat". And other inappropriate things, "because I need it".

Apparently forgoing any realization or consequence of their actions or lack there-of in the scheme of themselves, their family, community or the world.

I had to sit with this for a bit as I couldn't fully understand all the upset and hoobaloo that has led to scads of article and scientific studies to books now coming out on how NOT to raise entitled children.

Really? I thought. Is this a joke? When I discussed it with another parent I came to understand what this entitlement might really about, for me at least.

It's like a pendulum that has swung too far to another end.

My view is that many parents give much to their children, especially for the last couple of generations in order to make up for their own childhood.

In the 20th century we saw in our country many immigrants who came to America seeing the land of opportunity. They had a work ethic and a drive to something better. Many working diligently to give their children everything they did not have, only to have it apparently back fire in what now looks like as entitlement in children of the subsequent generations.

The wanting to create or give their children better than the brutal or lacking world they grew up in is not a bad thing, but I wonder if the basic job of parenting was forgotten.

Perhaps they did every "thing", gave every "thing" to their children in order to give them what they did not have in their childhood and as a result the child experienced a life that things were given and not eared?

I think this whole subject of parenting is so very broad and I am speaking generally here. Certainly there is cannot be a blanket statement here.

I for one know there is no one size fits all in parenting even in the same household. However there are fundamentals and guiding values and principles that should be the pillar of parenting within each family unit.

I have seen how some parents in my local community will snap and berate their child for something that really was quiet innocuous, but from the parents' reaction, you might think their child committed murder.

One particular incident comes to mind where I observed a script play out of a parent who carries a wooden spoon in her bag to threaten their child if they were "bad". All she has to do is pat her bag and give a look to the child. It's creepy and nauseating.

Although I was aghast and usually would speak up in this case, I consciously chose to observe to gather more information. I knew my shackles were up from my own defense mechanism and resistance to corporal punishment and degradation of children.

I allowed for myself the situation to continue to play out so I could further observe not only the family, but the other parents and my own reactions that were being triggered.

This parent went on to say how "they think they are so entitled".  What I understood her to be describing was what I would have considered meaning that the child was entitled to play freely and express herself freely as a child.

The parents' meaning was the child was being winy, cocky and disrespectful. I didn't see that. I saw a child who was in a bit of confusion and trying to be something to meet her mother's needs so she wouldn't get walloped but had some genuine needs of her own that were not getting met.

Later in that same hour the parent would give the child a cookie as a way to "make them happy" or in my words, buy their love back. Still the underlying needs of the child had not been understood or met.

I cringe at the whole occurrence. Not only for the child but for the woman I saw whom I believe was playing out her wounded inner child. One who was most likely paddled with a wooden spoon, ridiculed for not being a good girl and was never allowed to express her own truth let alone have her needs met.

Do we first create the entitlement in the child and then punish and ridicule them for acting like they are entitled?

Is there a deeper confusion here in which the parent is living from their own wounded inner child?

Are we missing the deeper needs of our children and ourselves when we "buy" into this "entitlement" game?

I'm coming from a place of compassion and understanding as a parent who has done a whole lot of inner child healing. As well as someone who has helped many others do this work. In the process of healing and helping others heal, I developed and learned systems that I consider workable Tools to help navigate the emotionally challenging terrain of parenting with extra baggage.

What I do know, however is that children are entitled to be guided in a way that is sane, joyful, loving, consistent, stable, honest, compassionate, creative and competent in a clean, calm, safe, predicable environment by care givers who are sane, loving, consistent and do the work to heal their own inner child.

I'd say we went about creating the entitlement, only to now rant against it. What we might want to be looking at is our own responsibility in creating this. Then go about healing our own wounded inner child who is indeed entitled to a life where their real needs are met.