2017/2018 Summary

Over the summer of 2018 - Both boys swam daily, rode bicycles, continued animal care for GiGi, Hobbs and Jade, Dax began piano, Ryder continued violin, daily reading and completed summer reading programs, Ryder won $10 gift card from writing a review for books at Ledding library, Aikido summer camp next level of belts, RBTI training in Wenatchee met Michael and Zacchariah - homeschoolers and pen pals, Flag Football, Boy Strength Camp, studied handbook and learned TRs, Tone Scale, Communication Cycle, Kayaking with their dad

As I finish up the last details on the 2018/2019 year I have left this piece the end. I have not been inspired to write here or to keep things documented in this space for some time. While I am so grateful to have the previous years of postings for us all to look back on, the past couple of years in terms of my family have been miserable for me personally in terms of what my original dreams, goals and desires were.

Every day is a new day. It's a new adventure. It's a new experience.

Navigating each new day and each new emotion, thought and experience the boys  go through during these transitional times. Decisions I now make based on what would bring the most stability in this moment. Would I stay here - it's very expensive to live here - single mom budget, so difficult, the boys growing, so much to buy food every day at the store as much as a week in 1 day. Oh WOW! So much!

The car accident with Kelly and the boys. I still feel resentment there, my new van, my boys being endangered and the horrific experience of a brain injury for Dax. It's truly been the worst of it all. Not a moment in our lives will be the same - Dax is different. Fragile. I don't want to say broken. But the day to day experience of this beautiful boy and the pain - my whole life is to help heal pain and now every day I face this with Dax. There is just so much entangled for me with this - what could I have done differently. What if..., what if... Little good does any of that do. And my goodness we are so lucky that it wasn't worse.

I ask myself, did I create all of this? When someone in my life says "well you got what you wanted" and I hear it as a snide remark.  Is this really what I wanted? IS that the kind thing to say? No. So I will recognize the person who says such things and not own that.

I am deeply sad that our family is no longer whole - that the dream of a loving, harmonious marriage and family and home life is now different. Not shattered - that's not a workable thought process. But it still hurts. It still feels sad.

While there was a part of me that was certainly miserable in the marriage, we had created a tolerable routine. To not have to fully have been the primary bread winner on top of being the teacher, healer, cook, cleaner, accountant and everything else that goes with being wife, mother, homeschooling teacher was something I knew would be tricky. We both knew and so we stayed in the marriage much longer.

So there is still a lot of my personal healing that needs to occur after 17 years being together, dependent on one another for communication, connection and that we did have the common interest for well being for our children. Although we have always had different ideas of what that means - it was a common ground.

There is just so much that must be processed. I must get the support I need  - from my homeschooling connections, from my fellow teachers, from the right areas. What will support me so I can best support these boys?

Michael - my father in law - grateful, knowing that he is another who cares for the boys and for me and it's unconditional. That's a gift.
Melisa at Waldorf Essentials - a BEACON - so grateful.
Denice - Ryder's Violin Teacher
Dax's Piano Teacher - she is a true Godsend and big blessing to us all.

These are such amazing support systems to me and boost me up -

My clients - they support me thank GOD so I can support my family and keep food on the table.

This I am grateful for... So much. Too much right now. I dont' want another year to pass without me writing about all of the wonderful things with TRIBAL Academy. Daily it's our life and our ritual and I want to look back on this time and review it with the boys some day and talk about it as a good experience that we all grew from.

That's my prayer.