It's been an intense day. I'm always amazed at how dynamic one day of homeschooling can be. Whoever said it was easy - well no one did - did they? Home schooling easy? No - never. But worth it! I believe that.
It was like this when my boys were little - that it's so intense and I'm about ready to scream when they finally lay down to sleep and I look upon cherub faces and it feels as if I miss them already.
This whole parenting journey for me has been one of re-parenting my own inner child, so there is a lot that comes up for me. I do not and did not have things totally together before having children nor even now.
Add in homeschooling - oh I wouldn't change this for a moment - but it gets so intense.
I wonder what would be supportive to me and to our family home schooling right now. I dream that having more family support, having more of a community like the beautiful mams and families from Austin in the Holistic Moms Network I miss so much. I wonder if things would be all "perfect" if I had a better marriage. I don't know.
But I know that the way to unhappiness is thinking what if and should and expecting something from myself, others, my children other than who and what we are.
So, that's a breath to take. Tonglen meditation. Being present to what is. That's my favorite moment. When I just become present to what is - without the judgement. Sometimes it takes me a bit but practice more and improvement and swifter ease will come with it.
This week we have studied the life of bees. So much joy and wonder from the boys this year. Seeing the hives, so much understanding. I hope to do this every year. They want to keep hives. Oh how that would be wonderful. A house, a home, maybe a small piece of land is back in the dreams again.
For now, the trips to the farms are lovely.
Simile and Metaphor - what a delight, sharing this as education for language arts and writing for Ryder has been lovely for me. I get to rekindle my own education and fill in gaps for myself. That is fun.
Is homeschooling more for me than it is for them? No. Yes. I'm certain that if I stay present to this journey I will stay on course and reach the final destination as a homeschooling parent.
Oh in this moment I am delighted to be able to homeschool and so excited about the possibilities for all of us. Even with the days of back talk now from my 11 year old. But to see their wonder and joy and their own perspective on life and everything we are learning.
Ryder reads so much Minecraft - so many of these novels and chronicles - devours them. I shall not complain - he loves to read. Good.
Dax, does not. Hates the library - hates books - why? He loves to draw. Yay. But what did I do on the reading? I see how Waldorf has been the best for Dax - he is still in the soulful period in so many ways - yet - dear heaven he will be 9 in September?!?! IS that possible?
I must learn to be more caring - more gentle with him. Is it a reflection of something I must heal in myself - his anger his intensity? Is it a reflection of all of the turmoil since the day I knew I was pregnant with Dax? So different than Ryder! There is so much that has effected him. I was less careful and good in this time. So much marital strife while pregnant and throughout his life.
I wish I could have changed all of this for him but I must allow that this is part of the journey we will have together. Must stop expecting so much perfection, must stop comparing myself, must stop judging myself so harshly. Just be.
Why do I write all of this - not for anyone to read. Please not. But for me to "wood shed" so I can sleep and rest and know better how I can help these two amazing beings I am entrusted to foster love, wisdom, support, understanding.
There is testing in the public schools - I was going to document what I had begun doing with Ryder but I do not wish to even approach this topic. Ryder doesn't mind testing - in fact he doesn't have issues with it - thank goodness. As long as I keep it as a game - it's not a judgment piece I won't ever let it be. But a way to assess.
I'll continue with William Blakes Inn to completion this week and do more diphthongs. I love the Vimala piece and Dax loves cursive - but not Vimala.
We'll foster more of this. ryder was so helpful today. Made pancakes. Did his chores. Then right back to his reading of his novels - what is it with minecraft? They grow out of this right? Stop motion and clay animation seems to have taken it's place. Oh yes, I grounded Minecraft playing this week - why? I can't remember now ----- oh yes, he lied about cleaning the cat litter box. Lying has become a big thing - something I can not tolerate. But someone else in the family does it so I wondered is it learned or DNA? Lessons - stories I must find on this - why does he feel it necessary to lie? I must not make it mean more than it is - it's a learning opportunity. And that it makes me crazy angry is something I must heal - so good - that's my piece in it and I will honor this. Good, I ask for help with this.
Thank you Spring for arriving! I've needed the sun - we all have.
Renew the spirit. How can I best support my boys? How can I best support Ryder? I let go and open my heart to the answers.
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