Spring Nurtures My Sad Heart

Gentle Thunder, Wings of The Heart plays in the back ground, my lovely tea cup and tea pot sits on my desk full of a favorite aromatic and savory tea while I begin to write. I am taking this time to reflect on the time since All Hallows Eve, October 31st when my world shattered making things look very negative and dark for long. In so many areas. Curious it is, as I look back. My strong and nurturing connection with my home schooling community experienced great turmoil and dark times and will officially end as what we knew as our Farm will close. Oh how my heart is deeply sad over this in itself. Many relationships changed within that community and without. So many ideas of who I was and what I thought I should be and do and have in order to be and do and have what I thought I was "suppose to" or "Should" crumbled. It didn't happen over night. It actually took months of heart ache, confusion, fighting to keep the old, of oh so much "STUFF". The mental stuffs, the emotional stuffs, the physical stuffs.

We have just had Spring Equinox and the shifting is occurring. Rebirth, growth, the joy of spring is upon us. The suns warmth is on my back and I am feeling a sense of healing although I am still so very raw. "Landing" the lead role of a character rich and intense did not surprise me but allowed me to see I have come full circle. From the time I can first remember, at nearly 2, I knew I wanted to be an actress. It's in my biology of my being. Living truthfully in imaginary circumstances is my breath. For so long I had compartmentalized and separated out so many parts of myself. In these past months I have begun to integrate me as a whole person. Knowing I am a healer as my calling and that I can function in this capacity without losing myself has allowed me to open more to all of my gifts. How many of us close off to our own gifts because of the conflicting ideas and imprinting of our culture?

All of this has allowed me to see my two beautiful boys in a fresh light. To not take them so seriously and to open... to the moment, to the discovery, to the capacity within them that is so much more than even I can know. Who am I, who is anyone to stop the gifts we are from reaching the world.

Some intense and very big changes leading to so much self realization, regrouping, redefining myself.

What do I model for my boys through this? I will get back on the horse. Even if I'm limping a little.

This moment right here allows me to reach out in to the creation of the universe and open to the possibilities of great joy, kindness, compassion, creativity, trustworthiness, competency, vibrant health and connection. All of what I choose to value most in my life.